— You need complete and full honesty about what happened — without minimizing, justifying, or blame-shifting. You want all your questions answered so that you can make sense of your reality.

— You want to see specific changes in behavior, including transparency and verification, so that you can eventually start to trust again and feel safe.

— You want your spouse to consistently show you empathy and validation: recognition of the pain and trauma this has caused you.

— You desperately want to connect with and trust your spouse again, but at the same time, you’re afraid of vulnerability and potentially being hurt again.

— You also want to know how and why this situation happened. You have thoughts like, “How the f*ck did we get here?”

— You want to know that your spouse is on your team and that you’re both committed to making this work — and you want assurances that if this marriage is to continue, this will never happen again.

— You know you need to face the pain you caused, and at the same time, you simultaneously need to heal from this experience, too. You need room to address your own trauma, avoidance, and patterns that contributed to the affair.

— You’re balancing the all-consuming shame while also trying to take full responsibility for your actions. You want a path to forgiveness and relief from the shame.

— You have a natural impulse to defend yourself, but you know that your spouse needs you to stay open and vulnerable in order to heal and ultimately reconnect.

— You have always seen yourself as a good person, but now you’re faced with reconciling your view of yourself with the behaviors that have deeply wounded your spouse.

— You want your spouse to understand that while your behavior was inexcusable, it also occurred within a context, and wasn’t about being malicious.

— You need clear guidance on how to rebuild trust with your spouse.

This phase is all about transparency, radical honesty, and remorse on the part of the betraying partner.

Dr. Gottman says, “The wounded partner will feel the stirrings of new faith only after multiple proofs of trustworthiness. Atonement cannot occur if the cheater insists that the victim take partial blame for the affair.”

The partner who is unfaithful must put an end to the affair and end all contact with the affair partner.

During this phase, the betrayed partner is offered an opportunity during our sessions to ask lingering questions, get clarification on what was and wasn’t true, and gather information they need to be able to eventually trust again.

Some questions commonly asked include: “Are you in love with the other person?”, “Where did you meet them on an ongoing basis?” or, “When you were on that work trip, were they with you?”, etc.

It’s common for these questions to devolve into blame, judgment, and defensiveness. That’s why the heaviest questions will be asked and answered in session so that I can intervene when necessary and facilitate a more productive conversation.

This phase is all about treating the problems in your marriage that existed long before the affair, and that made your relationship vulnerable in the first place, so that the risk of future infidelity is mitigated.

This can include, but isn't limited to:

— The foundational friendship between the two of you: how well you really know each other, how you express [or don't express] fondness and appreciation, and how you respond to each other's needs and desires for connection.

— How conflict is handled in your marriage: the way emotional topics are brought up, how well the discussion goes, and whether or not you are able to repair after a painful interaction.

— Perpetual problems - the disagreements you continually fight about and can't seem to come to an agreement or compromise on: in-laws, parenting, household labor, finances, etc.

— Trust: whether or not you believe your partner has your back and acts in your best interest, not just their own.

To be absolutely clear: Nothing you did or didn't do in your relationship caused your partner to have an affair. That choice belongs solely to them. However, healing your relationship requires addressing patterns that existed before the affair to build something stronger than before.

This phase is all about making sexual intimacy a safe and satisfying experience again.

There is good reason why this phase comes last.

The relationship needs the foundation of what we will do in the first two phases, such as: honesty, transparency, remorse, and a lot of emotional conversation in order for satisfying sex to be possible.

…And for the relationship to begin anew.

If a couple is committed to staying together, the attunement that is established in Phase 2 must also reach the bedroom.

This involves talking openly and vulnerably about your sexual desires and needs.