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INDIVIDUAL THERAPY FOR THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE
YOU NEVER THOUGHT YOU’D BE SOMEONE WHO HAD AN AFFAIR
You know how much damage this caused. You don’t need a therapist, or anyone else, to tell you that.
But knowing the damage hasn’t made it any easier to figure out what to do with the guilt, the confusion, or the suffocating weight of trying to hold everything together while your life feels like it’s unraveling from the inside out.
You might not even be able to explain how you got here.
Your spouse keeps asking, and the honest answer is that you genuinely don’t know. You didn’t wake up one morning and decide to have an affair.
It happened through a series of smaller moments that didn’t feel dangerous at the time: a conversation that went a little deeper than it should have, or a connection that built so gradually you didn’t see it for what it was until you were already in the middle of it.
Each rationalization felt reasonable in the moment. And at some point, you crossed a line you genuinely believed you would never cross.
Now you’re left trying to explain something that you never consciously chose, to a spouse who understandably needs you to explain it. Meanwhile, the guilt and shame make it nearly impossible to access a clear answer.
The Daily Weight of Carrying an Affair
If your spouse knows about the affair…
Every conversation in your house may circle back to what happened. You answer the same questions over and over, and you want to give your spouse what they need to heal, but you’re running on empty.
You can’t be their emotional support right now because you’re the source of the wound. You can’t fall apart in front of them because it feels selfish and manipulative, even when the grief is real.
So, you hold it together at home, you hold it together at work, you hold it together in front of your kids, and somewhere around 11pm when everyone is asleep, it all catches up to you.
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If your spouse doesn’t know yet…
The secret is eating you alive. You go through the motions of normal life while carrying something that would detonate all of it if it came to light.
You’ve thought about telling them, but you can’t figure out how, or when, or whether it would cause more harm than good. So, you stay stuck in limbo, and the distance between you and your spouse grows a little wider every day.
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If the marriage is ending…
You’re grieving something you caused, and that’s a particular kind of pain that most people in your life have very little patience for. Your friends and family have picked a side, and it isn’t yours.
Even the people who still love you don’t really want to hear about how hard this is for you.
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WHY MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVE AN AFFAIR CAN’T EXPLAIN HOW IT HAPPENED
The part that nobody understands: you became two people.
One of the most disorienting parts of having an affair is the compartmentalization that made it possible in the first place.
While the affair was happening, you were living in two separate realities at the same time: the person at home making dinner and putting the kids to bed, and the person who was doing something that completely contradicts your values and your sense of who you are.
Those two versions of you didn’t interact, and they couldn’t have. Your brain kept them in separate boxes because that was the only way to manage the contradiction. And now that the affair is over, or now that it’s been discovered, you’re left trying to integrate an experience that was never integrated to begin with.
When your spouse asks how you could have done this, you struggle to answer because you never constructed a coherent story about it. There was no single moment where you sat down and decided.
There was a slow slide, a series of rationalizations, and a part of your brain that got very good at not looking too closely at what you were doing.
While that’s not an excuse, it is the truth about how this works. Understanding it is the first step toward being able to give your spouse, and yourself, an honest account of how you got here.
WHY THIS WORK REQUIRES A THERAPIST WHO SPECIALIZES IN INFIDELITY
Your spouse can’t be your support system right now. Your friends and family are either horrified by what happened, or they’re telling you what you want to hear instead of what you need to hear, or they have no idea about what’s going on with you.
Your couples therapist, if you have one, is focused on the marriage and not on you as an individual.
And this particular kind of pain, the guilt and shame and confusion that come with having had an affair, responds best to a therapist who specializes in it.
I am a couples therapist trained through the Gottman Institute, which has spent over 40 years researching what makes relationships succeed and fail, including specialized training in treating infidelity.
I’ve spent years sitting with both partners in the aftermath of affairs.
That means I know what the betrayed partner goes through, I know what the repair process requires, and I know how the individual work you do in this room either supports or undermines the couples work that may be happening in another room. And that context shapes everything about how I work with you.
I also understand how people end up here. Nine times out of ten, it’s unexamined vulnerabilities, avoidance behaviors that went unchecked for years, and a slow erosion of connection that both partners didn’t fully recognize until it was too late.
The affair caused real damage, and there are real, specific, traceable reasons why it happened.
Both of those things are true at the same time, and I’m not interested in collapsing into one at the expense of the other.
You need someone who won’t skip past the hard parts, but who also won’t reduce you to the worst thing you’ve ever done.
INDIVIDUAL THERAPY FOR INFIDELITY: WHAT THE WORK LOOKS LIKE
AN AFFAIR DOESN’T COME OUT OF NOWHERE.
There is a long chain of events that led to it, some of which have to do with your marriage and some of which have to do with you as an individual: your avoidance behaviors, your blind spots, the ways you’ve shut down or checked out for years.
Our work together is about uncovering all of it honestly, in a space where you don’t have to manage anyone else’s feelings while you do.
We’ll trace how you got here. We’ll look at what was missing in the marriage, what you needed and didn’t ask for, and why you didn’t ask. We’ll look at your history with conflict, your avoidance patterns, and what was going on for you personally, including identity questions, life transitions, or experiences from your past that you never fully dealt with, that made you vulnerable to crossing a line you thought you’d never cross. We’ll also dismantle the compartmentalization that kept the affair going, so you can build, for the first time, one integrated and honest story of what happened.
We’ll separate the guilt from the shame. Guilt says “I did something that caused real harm,” and it motivates you to take responsibility and do better. Shame says “I am a terrible person,” and it does the opposite. Shame paralyzes you, makes you defensive when you need to be open, and floods your nervous system so completely that “I don’t know” is the only answer that comes out when your spouse asks hard questions. I use a targeted, evidence-based approach designed to help your brain process painful experiences differently, so the shame loosens its grip without erasing the healthy guilt underneath.
We’ll build the skills that were missing. That means speaking up when something is wrong instead of swallowing it, tolerating the discomfort of honest conversations, and asking for what you need directly instead of withdrawing when it gets hard.
Whether your marriage is continuing or ending, these are the changes that make sure you don’t carry the same unexamined behaviors into the next relationship.
If you’re currently in couples therapy, this individual work is designed to fit alongside it. I’ll be clear about what belongs in this room versus what belongs in the couples room.
How individual therapy for infidelity can help.
You can answer your spouse’s questions honestly.
Not “I don’t know,” and not a rehearsed apology, but a real, honest account of the chain of events, the vulnerabilities you weren’t paying attention to, and the specific choices you made along the way.
You can trace the path from the first boundary crossing to the last, and you understand what was happening inside you at each step.
Your spouse may not like everything they hear, but for the first time, they’re getting the truth instead of a blank stare or a defensive wall.
This kind of honest narrative is one of the most important things your spouse needs in order to heal.
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You’ll stop shame-spiraling.
You still feel the effects of what you did, and that’s appropriate. But the guilt becomes something you can carry and learn from rather than something that flattens you at 2am and leaves you useless the next day.
You stop replaying the worst version of yourself on a loop.
You sleep through the night more often than not. You wake up and you can function, be present with your kids at breakfast, focus on your work for more than twenty minutes at a time, instead of dragging yourself through the day on three hours of broken sleep and a pit in your stomach.
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You stop going through the motions of your own life.
You’ve been physically present but emotionally somewhere else for longer than you’d like to admit, and that started well before the affair.
Your kids talk to you at dinner and you realize you heard the words but missed the whole point. You get through a whole Saturday and can’t remember what you did.
After this work, you start catching those moments. You notice when you’ve checked out, and you come back. Not perfectly, and not every time, but enough that you’re living your life again instead of just getting through it.
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You’ll recognize the early warning signs that used to be invisible to you.
A coworker starts confiding in you about their marriage, and instead of leaning into the conversation, you notice what’s happening and pull back.
You hear yourself thinking “it’s not a big deal” or “we’re just talking” and you recognize those thoughts for what they are, because you’ve learned exactly how the small rationalizations work, how each one makes the next one easier, and where that road ends.
The affair didn’t start with a big decision. It started with a series of small ones that you didn’t see clearly at the time. Now you see them.
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You say the hard thing instead of brushing it under the rug.
Something is bothering you. Maybe you feel unappreciated, maybe a decision your spouse made landed wrong, maybe you’re lonely in your own home and you don’t know how to say that out loud.
Before, you would have smiled, said “it’s fine,” and added it to the quiet pile of things you never brought up. That pile is what made you vulnerable in the first place, and you know that now.
So, you say the uncomfortable thing. It’s awkward and imperfect, but you say it, because you know exactly what it costs when you don’t.
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You trust yourself again, and this time it’s based on something real.
The first time you promised the infidelity would never happen again, you meant it, but you were making that promise without understanding how you got here in the first place. Now you do.
You know what your own rationalizations sound like. You know how boundary erosion works, how one small concession leads to the next until you've crossed a line you never saw coming. You know what happens when you swallow your frustration instead of saying it out loud. And you’ve built the skills to do it differently.
That’s a kind of confidence a promise can’t give you, and whether you stay in this marriage or not, you carry it forward to the next relationship.
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This is a good fit for you if you…
Had an affair and carry real guilt and remorse about it. You see the damage it caused, and you want to understand why it happened so that it never happens again.
Need a space to process this that isn’t your marriage, your friendships, or your couples therapy sessions.
Are willing to look at your own behaviors and choices honestly, including the parts that are uncomfortable and unflattering.
Want a therapist who will hold you accountable without shaming you.
Are open to doing the work regardless of what happens with your marriage, whether you’re staying, leaving, or don’t know yet.
This is not a good fit for you if you…
Don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are primarily looking for a therapist to validate that it was justified.
Want a therapist who will take your side against your spouse.
Are looking for couples therapy. If you and your spouse want to work on the marriage together, I would be happy to provide referrals to trusted colleagues who provide couples therapy.
Getting Started in Therapy & What to Expect
Format
Individual therapy sessions conducted online via secure, HIPAA-compliant telehealth. You can choose 60-minute weekly sessions or 90-minute biweekly sessions.
Investment
My fee is $500 for 60-minute sessions or $750 for 90-minute sessions. I am not in-network with any insurance company and cannot bill insurance directly. I can provide a Superbill (an itemized receipt with a mental health diagnosis) for you to submit to your insurance company for potential out-of-network reimbursement. Not all plans reimburse for out-of-network providers, so I recommend checking with your insurance before your first session.
Getting started
Reach out through the contact page or self-schedule your first session. I’ve done my best to include everything you need to make an informed decision on this page. If you have a question that isn’t answered here, email me and I’ll get back to you within 48 to 72 hours, but usually much faster.
Availability
I typically work on Sunday and Monday mornings. I keep my caseload intentionally small. I work with just 2-3 individual clients at a time for this particular service, which means availability is limited, but it also means you get a therapist who is fully engaged. Please check my HIPAA-compliant calendar here for current openings.
Meet your Infidelity Therapist
I’M ALLYSON.
Gottman-trained therapist with specialized training in infidelity
I trained as a couples therapist through the Gottman Institute and completed their specialized training on treating affairs. I've spent years sitting with both partners in the aftermath of infidelity, which means I understand what your spouse is going through, what the repair process requires, and what individual work needs to happen for any of it to hold.
I built this part of my practice because I kept seeing the same gap: the partner who had the affair needed their own space to do real, honest work, and there weren't many therapists equipped to provide it.
Not someone who would over-validate you because they're only hearing your side of the story, and not someone who would jump to a description of you that doesn't fit because they don't understand how ordinary people end up here.
Someone who gets it, who will be honest with you even when it's uncomfortable, and who knows how to help you heal and move forward.
FAQs
QUESTIONS ABOUT THERAPY FOR THE UNFAITHFUL SPOUSE
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My understanding of how and why affairs happen is grounded in the Gottman Institute’s 50 years of research on relationships and infidelity. I completed the Gottman Institute’s specialized training on treating affairs, which provides a research-based framework for understanding the chain of events that leads to infidelity and what genuine recovery requires.
I also use Accelerated Resolution Therapy (ART) at specific points in the process, particularly for processing guilt and shame. ART is an evidence-based therapy that helps your brain reprocess painful experiences in a way that talk therapy alone often can’t. ART is uniquely equipped to help reduce the shame to a level where you can think clearly, engage honestly, and do the repair work that matters.
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Yes, and many of my clients do. This individual work is designed to complement couples therapy, not replace it.
The couples room is for working on the relationship together. This room is for working on the parts that are yours alone: the guilt, the shame, the avoidance behaviors that led here, and the individual changes you need to make.
Most clients find that they show up to couples therapy differently once they’ve started doing this individual work, because they have more clarity, more self-awareness, and less of the knee-jerk defensiveness that makes hard conversations even harder.
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Yes. Whether or not your spouse is willing to work on the marriage, you still need a place to process what happened, understand your own behaviors, and figure out who you want to be going forward.
If your spouse isn’t open to couples work, this individual therapy becomes even more important. You’re likely going to need to make some major decisions about your future, and you’ll make much better ones when you’re not drowning in unprocessed guilt and shame.
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Yes, and this is something we can work through carefully together. Disclosure is a deeply personal and consequential decision, and there is no one-size-fits-all answer.
I can help you think through what disclosure would look like, how to prepare for the range of possible outcomes, and what you’d need to have in place before having that conversation if you decide to. What I won’t do is tell you what to do. That decision is yours.
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Yes. If you’re in the middle of an ongoing affair and feeling guilt about it, that guilt is telling you something important, and this is a place where you can figure out what to do about it.
The work here requires a willingness to look honestly at what you’re doing and why. I’m not going to pressure you into a decision before you’re ready, but I’m also not going to help you feel better about continuing something that’s causing damage to your spouse, your family, and yourself.
If you’re ready to examine what’s happening honestly, even if you don’t yet know what you want to do about it, you’re welcome here.
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I do work with betrayed partners, but through a separate arm of my practice with its own website. I keep those services intentionally separate so that each client knows the space they’re in is fully dedicated to their experience.
You can read more about my work with betrayed partners here.
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My fee is $500 for 60-minute sessions and $750 for 90-minute sessions.
I am not in-network with any insurance company and cannot bill insurance directly. I can provide a Superbill (an itemized receipt with a mental health diagnosis) for you to submit to your insurance company for potential out-of-network reimbursement. Not all plans reimburse for out-of-network providers, so I recommend checking with your insurance before your first session.
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You may self-schedule on my HIPAA-compliant calendar here.
Alternatively, please reach out through the contact page if you have questions first. I typically respond within 48 to 72 hours, but usually much faster.
